THOUGHTS OF THE DAY
{thanks, Flipper!}

13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...

12. Life is sexually transmitted...

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich...

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

8. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism...

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

2.Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

AND THE #1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security...

~from the email bag

ALERT!Subject: New Arkansas quarter

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently
issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

~from the email bag

How to be a liberal - a guide for the rest of us...

Virtually anyone can become a liberal. Simply quit thinking and vote that way. Here are the prerequisites:

1. You must believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You must believe the same teacher who cannot teach 4th graders to read is somehow qualified to teach them about sex.
3. You must believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of Chinese Communists.
4. You must believe there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You must believe global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by SUVs.
6. You must believe gender roles are artificial, but homosexuality is natural.
7. You must be against capital punishment, but in favor of abortion on demand.
8. You must believe business creates oppression and the government creates prosperity.
9. You must believe self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
10. You must believe the military, not politicians, start wars where military personnel, not politicians, die.
11. You must believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You must believe taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
13. You must believe standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
14. You must believe Hillary Clinton is a lady.
15. You must believe the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
16. You must believe homosexual parades are Constitutionally protected, but manger displays at Christmas are illegal.

~ from the email bag (Thanks Harold!)

With Valentines Day fast aproaching, I've come across some great advise I want to share with you. Check this out!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
===============================

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10



WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

~from the email bag and out of the mouths of babes!

SEASON'S GREETINGS!

Merry Christmas!

Christmas came early this year~

PEGGY NOONAN

Joy to the World
They thought that we would rue it. They doubted we'd do it. But now they must admit it, that succeed we did.

Sunday, December 14, 2003 12:20 p.m. EST

"Ladies and gentlemen, we got him."--Paul Bremer

First, let's just be happy. Let's feel a burst of joy.

Let's not be boring people who Consider the Implications. Let's not talk about the domestic political impact. For just a day let's feel the pleasure history just handed us.

All morning the words of an old song of the old America have been running through my head. From "My Fair Lady," from the age when Americans whistled Broadway show tunes on the street. Rex Harrison (a bow today to our valiant allies, the English) jauntily crows over Eliza Doolittle's first triumph.

"Pickering Tonight, old man, you did it!
You did it! You did it! You said that you would do it;
And indeed you did. I thought that you would rue it;
I doubted you'd do it. But now I must admit it
That succeed you did. You should get a medal
Or be even made a knight."

As far as I'm concerned he could be singing this to American troops, and the American administration, and America's allies, and the Iraqis who suffered through so much to get to this moment.
This is a great day in modern history. A terrible man whose existence had been for decades actively harmful of humanity was forcibly removed from power, run to ground, and has been captured living in a hole. As I write, the television is showing videotape of his hair being checked for lice and his mouth being inspected with a pencil light for signs of disease. The white plastic pinpoint light illuminates his throat and gums. It looks like the mouth of hell. He has been utterly defeated and quelled. He can't kill anybody now. He cannot gas women and children with chemicals that kill them; he cannot personally torture dissidents, or imprison them. He cannot tell his soldiers to throw opponents off the tops of buildings. He can't impose his sickness and sadism on the world. The children of Baghdad dance in the streets. A nightmare is over.

America did this. American troops did this. The American people, by supporting those troops and this effort, did it. And a particular group of soldiers led by a particular U.S. army officer did it. As Dana Priest of the Washington Post has just reported on NBC, he is a big, tall, bearlike guy who loves his job and whose attitude toward his mission was, apparently, a natural and constitutional optimism. We don't yet know his name, but he'll be famous by tomorrow morning.

What do we learn? Well, as Samuel Johnson said, "Man needs more to be reminded than instructed," so what are we reminded of through the happy ending of this story?

That human agency works and is an active force in history. You don't have to sit back and accept; you don't have to continue to turn a blind eye; you don't have to sit and do nothing, because all action involves choice and all choice invites repercussion. You can move forward. You can take action. You can go in and remove a threat to the world. You can make the world safer. You can help people. Just because they live in Iraq and we don't bump into them every day doesn't mean they don't merit assistance and even sacrifice.

We are reminded, all of us, that patience is necessary, that nothing big can be accomplished without it. America and Iraq searched day and night for Saddam Hussein for eight months. And for some time they searched for a man half of them thought had already been obliterated in the early days of the war. But they didn't know and they had to find him if he was alive. They had to find him even if he was surrounded by a thousand troops and explosives. So there was their patience, and there was the patience of Washington: political patience. If he's there, we will find him. The administration's foes had attempted to embarrass them for eight months. The administration simply said: If he's there, we will find him; we won't give up until we do. Good for them for not spinning it but simply having faith in the troops and being patient.

And we are reminded that when you do what is right, you can be rewarded. When you summon the guts to take a controversial stand, and accept the price of that stand, and the price comes in every day, you can win. And that victory can make things better.

Now Iraq's Baathist movement is over; its chief is humiliated, revealed as a coward, caught and ridiculous. Now the people of Iraq will be able to testify in court about what he did, in front of his face. Now we all may find out a great deal more about what exactly Saddam did with the weapons of mass destruction we know he had in the past, for he used them on the Kurds and against Iran in the old war. Where did those weapons go? Where are they now? What about Saddam's relations with al Qaeda? What papers will we find now, what evidence? And what will he say in an attempt to save his skin?

Next stop, Osama. May we find him in a hole. May we search his beard for lice and his gums for disease. May we see in the reflection of the light the mouth of hell, and may we close it for him tight.

All the journalists and politicians, they are always embarrassed to feel joy when something like this happens. They fear it will show a lack of understanding that history is a heavy and ponderous thing, a big tragedy machine, and all progress is illusory. Celebrating a military triumph--and this was among other things a military triumph--seems to them tantamount to Kiplingism, quaintly ignorant and unhelpfully nationalistic. That's why everyone on TV today is furrowing his brow. They know joy is the wrong thing to be feeling. It's unsophisticated. But normal people don't have to be sophisticated. They can be normal. And happy. And say what normal Americans say when something great in history happens. "Thanks, God. Thanks a lot."

Ms. Noonan is a contributing editor of The Wall Street Journal and author of "A Heart, a Cross, and a Flag" (Wall Street Journal Books/Simon & Schuster), which you can buy from the OpinionJournal bookstore. Her column appears Thursdays.

From Snopes.com:

Claim: Sears pays the difference in salaries and maintains benefits for their called-up reservist employees.

Status: True.


I HOPE you have all seen the reports about how Sears is treating its reservist employees who are called up? By law, they are required to hold their jobs open and available, but nothing more. Usually, people take a big pay cut and lose benefits as a result of being called up.

Sears is voluntarily paying the difference in salaries and maintaining all benefits, including medical insurance and bonus programs, for all called up reservist employees for up to two years. I submit that Sears is an exemplary corporate citizen and should be recognized for its contribution.

I suggest we all shop at Sears, and be sure to find a manager to tell them why we are there so the company gets the positive reinforcement it well deserves.

Pass it on.


Origins: Although many employers look favorably on military service and even encourage it, there are some who find it burdensome to have an employee who spends time away from the job. Military reservists pose a particular challenge to employers because they're subject to recall to active duty at any time -- call-ups to active service during times of war may not occur often, but active duty recalls can occur even during peacetime, and nearly every reservist has to take occasional leave from his regular job for monthly drills and annual training.

In order to provide a measure of employment security to reservists subject to active duty recall and minimize the disadvantages that occur when reservists need to be absent from their civilian employment to serve in the uniformed services, the United States enacted the Uniformed Services Employment and Reemployment Rights Act (USERRA) in 1994. Codified in Chapter 43, Part III, Title 38 of the United States Code, this act mandates that "any person whose absence from a position of employment is necessitated by reason of service in the uniformed services shall be entitled to reemployment rights and benefits."

Of course, reservists give up more than just their jobs when they're called up for active duty. Although the law may require that their former positions be waiting for them when they return, many reservists still have to deal with the financial hardships of the difference in pay between their civilian jobs and their military positions; as well, other job benefits they may lose out on while on active duty (such as medical insurance coverage or participation in employer bonus plans) are not guaranteed to them. Some employers voluntarily go the extra mile for their reservist employees, making up the difference between their regular pay and their military pay while they're on active duty and ensuring that all employer-sponsored benefits associated with their jobs remain in force.

Sears is indeed one of the employers who take additional steps to show support for employees involved in serving their country by guaranteeing the continuance of their civilian pay and benefits. Many other companies -- large and small -- do the same for their workers, but as one of the nation's oldest and largest employers, Sears gets the publicity for setting a prominent example.

Additional information:
List of companies who go beyond their legal responsibilities in supporting employees deployed as reservists:



~From the email bag

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THIS VALUABLE (USELESS) INFORMATION BEFORE

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.

2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.

3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.

7. A 2x4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.

8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily world wide!

10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.

13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.

14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.

15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".

19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.

23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.

24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

25. For fun, Charlie Chaplin once entered anonymously a "Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest", and won third prize.

26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".

28. An old law in Bellingham,Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.

29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.

30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.

32. In the movie Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again Sam".
What he said was "If you can play it for her you can play it for me, so play it".

33. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

34. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

35. A shrimp's heart is in its head.

36. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

37. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

38. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

39. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

40. Horses can't vomit.

41. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

42. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

43. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

44. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

45. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

46. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

47. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.

48. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

49. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different. and lastly...

50. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

~from the email bag

My pal 'Red' suggests that if you're planning to travel for the Holidays, carefully watch what you say when you're away from home!

Things Not To Say In Foreign Lands:

IRELAND
“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black- did a leprechaun crap in it?”

FRANCE
“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren’t the French just Germans who can make sauces?”

ITALY
“Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

POLAND
“Do you hire foreigners to screw in your lightbulbs?”

GERMANY
“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

TURKEY
“Where’s the hash at? It’s cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?”

KOREA
“Can you watch my puppy for a minute, or must you people deep fry him?”

CHINA
“This wall isn’t so great.”

ENGLAND
“Did you ever get a piece of ass from that Diana chick?”

SWEDEN
“Do you have any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?”

YEMEN
“Yemen? That’s a stupid name for a country. What’s it mean -- ‘Land Of Fanatics And Dust' ?”

INDIA
“You don’t live in teepees? Where can I get a good juicy steak around here?”

ETHIOPIA
“After a long day of travel, I’m famished. Hey – those flies sure love your pregnant son!”

CANADA
“You’re like Americans without money.”

SPAIN
“So, this is the country that’s not Portugal? Wow. Your women can shave if they want to, right? Where can I get some Cheez Whiz nachos?”

SOUTH AFRICA
“I liked it better the other way.”

MEXICO
“What's that smell?”

SAUDI ARABIA
“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car? Is it legal to beat your wives here, or what?”

GREECE
“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

AFGHANISTAN
“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

JAPAN
“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

AUSTRALIA
“How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?”

(talk about politically incorrect!)

~from the email bag